Music and Miscarriage

About a month ago I wrote a post on the value of music to children's cognitive development.

But there is so much more to music than what it can do for developing brains.

No matter who we are, life will bring us challenges that stretch or even break us. I share one of my own here. Music helped me through my grief. It helped me process my questions and gave me something to turn my mind to when it was consumed with anxious and negative thought. As a mother, I want to give my children as many tools as possible for enduring hard times, and music is one of the best I have found.

*A quick disclaimer so it won't distract you grammar Nazi types from the real message of the song: It uses the word "clinged". I now know this is not an actual word and the word is "clung". I didn't want to rerecord it because this is the video that I recorded soon after the actual event about 1.5 years ago. Also, I have a real prejudice against the "uh" vowel, so I'm holding out hope that "clinged" is added to the dictionary in the near future. :) The updated lyrics are at the end of the post.

The baby had a heart beat. 

It was slow. 

My own heart rose and sank. 

"Your dates must be off," the doctor said, but I knew there was no way. "Well, if you're right, and if I'm using the machine correctly, there's a good chance you'll miscarry. We should know in a few days." I looked at the doctor. He didn't seem very doctorly. A stressed button on his shirt had come undone, and I could see his hairy belly. Maybe he really didn't know how to use the machine.

I had dreamed of this baby. She was a little girl. We named her Elenora. I'd wanted her since my oldest was six months old. My actual dreams were strange, though. Everywhere we went we forgot her. She couldn't cry out to us. My pregnancy terminated. I would never admit to believing my dreams were premonitions, but what if my body really was telling me something. 

I went home and furiously searched the internet. If the chart I found was correct, there was a 79% chance of miscarriage. I asked my husband to pray with me. We asked that whatever was to happen would happen quickly. I felt that God was aware of my situation.  I also felt like this pregnancy was not going to last.

The next day it all began. I was bleeding. I went in to see the doctor. They sent me to an imaging specialist. There was still a heart beat. It matched the measurements. The specialist congratulated me with enthusiasm, but I knew he was wrong.

It was Easter weekend and my bleeding picked up. I missed conducting the choir for Easter services. I also missed my son's first Easter egg hunt. The process was drawn out. It took about a week. I stayed home, grateful to the friends who watched my toddler while my body worked and I grieved. I thought how unfair it is that miscarriage leaves you with only the worst memories of pregnancy and nothing to show for it. I felt the loneliness of womanhood as I realized that no major faith provided real answers as to the state of this child's soul. I didn't even know if it had a soul.

Knowing the frequency with which women experience pregnancy loss didn't take away the grief, but it did give me confidence that I would recover. Because so many women have experienced this, and those who haven't, fear it, I was blessed with friends who understood and who brought meals, watched my son, and listened. From this experience I began to understand real friendship and sisterhood. It is in the spirit of that sisterhood that I share this song.

I didn't have a yard for burial or anything tangible to memorialize the tiny being that lived in me for eight weeks, but when I wrote this song, that is when I felt healing. This is how I will always remember this child and the dear friends whose kindness lifted me up.

Lyrics

I never held you in my arms at all

You tiny fingers didn’t cling to mine

I never kissed your precious cheeks

Months of hoping ended with just eight weeks

I never soothed your newborn cries

I never watched you wonder at the world

I never saw that first sweet smile

We never slept next to each other

You never met your older brother

And sometimes I question, why?

And will we ever meet again?

Will it be in this life or in the next?

Did I give you all you needed

Or was it just not time?

And who will I be to you then?

Will you call me mother or just a friend?
Do you belong to me forever

Or were you never really mine?

I never stayed up nights to care for you

I never worried when you were sick

I never gave what mothers give

For my child who didn’t live to live

You’ll never know how you were loved

So if we ever meet again

Will it be in this life or in the next?

Did I give you all you needed

Or was it just not time?

And who will I be to you then?

Will you call me mother or just a friend?

Do you belong to me forever

Or were you never really mine?

And if we ever meet again

Will it be in this life or in the next?

Do you belong to me forever
Or were you never really mine?

Why Music? A Mother's Perspective on Music and the Brain

Dear readers,

You've been asking the million dollar question. Why music, and why music at home?

I could write a hundred posts on the value of music as a social experience: how it allows us to concurrently celebrate unity and diversity, teaches societal norms, and promotes community as it weaves throughout our traditions and shared memories. I could write about the intrapersonal aspects: the way music promotes emotional intelligence, provides creative expression, and helps us cope. I could write about the way studying music has value in developing discipline and divergent thinking, and how it teaches us to excel and work toward goals. These are all beautiful things, and beauty is the realm in which music's value largely resonates.

There is another aspect to the value of music. It is constantly on my mind as I teach music and as I focus on the developmental needs of my young children.  Let me illustrate it for you.

clipart courtesy of www.webweaver.nu

I bet you were really hoping to see a junior-high-quality Venn diagram with a brain growing out of a flower pot.

You're welcome.

Really though, as someone who's bought into attachment parenting theories, I think about my children's brain development all the time. I try to navigate a path that provides stimulation without too much stress. I plan how they'll get their omega-3's and wonder whether their brains are receiving enough oxygenation to retain what they learn. I think about the behavioral patterns I set for them, how I teach them to communicate strong emotions, and the effects of their natural inclination toward repetition.

If you subtract the omega-3's from that last paragraph, I do all the same things for my music students. I try to balance rewards and stress to help them progress musically. I have them move when they are stumped or losing focus, and I place a high priority on teaching them to repeat with variation when practicing. Together we find ways to communicate emotion through music.

I use what I know about the brain to inform both my music teaching and parenting with what I hope will be similar results: a better brain, one that is both more capable and more resilient.

So what do we know about music and the brain? For years, research has shown a positive correlation between the study of music and academic achievement. Studies have also shown that musicians' brains have more gray matter and more white matter, and that musicians use a greater portion of their brains than non-musicians. Not only is there this correlation, but we know that music study effects the neuroplasticity of children's brains in a way that causes these structures to grow. This translates to brains that are able to make more and faster connections.

But, how does it work? The brain's neural pathways for music are made up of synaptic connections. The number of potential connections is highest in a child's second year, and then the unused connections are pared away until about age 16. These neural pathways are built and strengthened by experience and repetition which is why practicing is so important. With some of my students I use the metaphor of little relay racers that go from our eyes, to our brains, and down our arms to our finger tips. If our relay racers never exercise (practice) they will never get faster, but the more the run, the easier it gets.

Because the brain prunes unused connections, early and frequent exposure to music are important. When children are fluent in musical experience, they will have much greater success studying instruments and participating in music groups. So please, sing lullabies, listen to music, dance with your children, and do all these things early enough for the brain to include their musical elements in its design.

Mothers. Music teachers. We are growing brains.

Until next time,

Olivia

Toddler Tip Tuesday: Use Music to Teach Listening Skills

If you're like me, you've wondered a few times if your kid has hearing problems. Surely your sweet child wouldn't be ignoring you. Right?

There's a period in a child's language learning where you're just not sure how much they understand, especially when it comes to following directions. Maybe they don't understand your instructions. Maybe they don't get what following directions is all about. Or, maybe they get it, but simply don't want to do it.

When Gummy was younger, I was surprised that he didn't come wired to do what I asked. After all, I was the parent. I was bigger. I knew how things were done. He should just get that. Right? Wow, I had a lot of learning to do.

Because I didn't want my happy boy to spend his days in punishment, I needed to figure out what he understood and how to incentivize good behavior. It turned out that music could fill both of these needs.

When it comes to recorded music, a lot of children's artists record songs with movement instructions in the lyrics (Laurie Berkner's "Shake Your Body Down" and Yo Gabba Gabba's "Hold Still" are examples). When we first started hearing these songs, Gummy didn't know he was supposed to listen and follow directions. I started repeating the words of the movements in the song and showing him what they meant (if he didn't already know). It wasn't long before he started listening for the instructions himself. How he responded to the music became a good indicator of what words he understood. Now he loves this kind of music and is good at following the dance instructions by himself. His latest favorite is "Everybody Stand Up!" by John Henry England.

Once kids get the idea of following directions, you can start putting them into your own songs. This is the motivation part. For some reason toddlers think it's more fun to follow directions that are given in music. For a while, I could get Gummy to do lots of things just by putting the instructions into the song "If You're Happy and You Know It." No longer were we confined to clapping hands and stomping feet. Try some of these.

If you're happy and you know it...
     put on your socks/pants/shoes
     wash your hands
     take a bite
     get in the car
     pick up your toys
     hug your mommy
     brush your teeth
     get in the bath
     sit on the floor
     pick out a book
     say goodbye

Of course, it's best if you teach them the song with fun movements first. They need to enjoy the music or it won't provide an incentive.

Also, toddler bossiness is a lot funnier in song form. Gummy now uses this method to try to get me to do things for him. Today's version was, "If you're happy and you know it, make some cookies." 

Toddler Tip Tuesday: Don't Stay Home

Once your kid starts walking, life is never the same. After walking comes climbing, and after climbing comes mom saying "no" constantly.  At my house, a day full of no's was a day full of tantrums. Then I figured out what my son needed. He needed to be in places where he wouldn't be told no all the time. He needed to run, jump, climb, and slide. He needed to see new things that captivated him enough to keep him out of trouble.

So we stopped staying home.  Now we go to parks, libraries, monuments, and museums. We go grocery shopping, window shopping, and to the dollar store. We visit friends more (and somehow, their toys are always better). The whole idea is that we spend half of every day anywhere but our apartment.

This guy is so much happier! 

Since he's happy, I'm happy. And even though I'm out of the house for longer, I get more done because he's more willing to play on his own when we are home.

Being a toddler must be so hard. You want to try out all your new active skills and take in everything around you, but everyone is constantly holding you back. Too much stimulation, and you can't handle it. Too little, and you can't handle it. It's challenging as a parent to find that balance. No day is a perfect day, but getting out every day has made a huge difference for us.

Toddler Tip Tuesday: Using Music to Transition

My husband took this picture. I laugh when I see it because of the irony between the beautiful photography and the location of Gummy's finger. To me it sums up perfectly what it's like to parent a toddler. They are these darling little creatures whose lack of true civilization always manages to break through. That's what makes a parent's job so tough. Domesticating little humans is not as easy as you'd think.

Surviving to tell the tale of one toddler hardly makes me an expert, but I've read a lot of ideas on teaching toddlers and have used some of them along with the things I've discovered myself. Good ideas on how to parent my sensitive, strong-willed boy always feel empowering to me, so I've decided to jump aboard the "Tip Tuesday" trend train with "Toddler Tip Tuesday". I would love to hear if you have tried similar things and what you have found that works for your family.

Today's tip is this: Use music to help with transitions. Almost every child has difficulty with transitioning activities at one point or another (many adults have trouble with this too). This is why you hear parents at the park giving their kids time limit warnings all the time: 10 minutes until we leave! 5 minutes until we leave! At home we transition all the time between activities like meal times, playing, running errands, getting ready for bed, cleaning up messes, reading books, and changing diapers. There isn't enough time to give ten minute warnings for each activity all day long.

I know  a lot of people who use the "clean up" song from Barney to help kids pick up their toys and move to something else. That's where I got the idea to make our own transition songs. Gummy hated leaving what he was doing when we needed to change his diaper, so I made up a simple upbeat song to sing while we go to change him. It has been SO much easier ever since.

I would say the best transition songs are simple with a lot of repetition so the child can memorize it easily and recognize it right away. A strong sense of beat gets them up and moving. It's also helpful if you can change the words to fit several activities. I tried making up a bunch of little songs and the two that stuck and work best for us are in the video below. The first is one we use during the day. The second we use at bedtime because it can be slower and more relaxed. "It's time to brush your teeth now" can be easily changed to, "It's time to change your diaper", "It's time to eat some dinner", "It's time to go downstairs", or anything else you need. There are no real rules, so try it out and have fun with it! Let me know if you've already tried this and if it works for you.

It is true that sometimes our transition song doesn't do the trick. If I sing it twice and don't have Gummy's attention, I give him the choice to walk himself to the place he needs to be, or else I will pick him up and move him. He always chooses to start walking by the count of three. He is FAR too independent to have Mommy carrying him around.

Do you have tips for making transitions easier?

Motherhood and What I Wish I'd Known

I wasn't always sure I wanted to be a mother. There are a lot of reasons for this. Mostly, I was commitment-phobic and couldn't see a reason to engage in something so confining. I liked school. I liked work. I didn't really like waiting on little people or cleaning up messes. I figured I'd eventually do it because... well, it's like, the crowning experience of womanhood, right? Then I fell in love with my husband, lost my senses, and found myself thinking in the middle of a biology lecture that I would regret it if I didn't see how our genetics played out together. Seriously though. I had an overwhelming feeling that I would regret it if I didn't take the opportunity to have babies.

From there, the decision was based on faith. Faith that the lives of generations of women before me weren't wasted or lost. Faith that I would love my children enough to change me.

As they say, faith leads to action. So I poured over every piece of information I could find on pregnancy, birth, and child rearing. I read about everything from genetic defects to financial considerations to personal stories of motherhood from friends and writers. I found a lot online about how hard it is to raise children, but I also found a community of bloggers that gave me hope. I guess that's why I felt like writing this post.

Motherhood is such a unique experience for everyone. So much of it is shaped by our prior experiences and expectations. You can find lists of horrible experiences, and stories of beautiful ones. Still, each experience is only a possible outcome. Yours might worse, but it might be better. It comes down to that beautiful/horrible embracing of the unknown that we deal with so much in life.

After almost three years of motherhood, here are some things that have surprised me about having children.

I always got the impression that I wouldn't get to do anything once I had kids. What I didn't know is that I would still have choices about my time. If I couldn't hire a babysitter, I could swap childcare with a friend. My husband and I can communicate and figure out how to support each other in doing the things we need for ourselves. I'm not in this alone. 

I was told that other women would criticize my parenting. It took time for me to realize that other mothers were my some of my biggest advocates and the key to curing the horrible isolation and loneliness you can feel as a new mother. 

I was told that having kids would provide tax deductions, but nobody ever told me that taxes plus childcare would equal more than I would make with my teaching degree. No one ever suggested that I crunch those numbers. I just figured that since my mom did it, and since I graduated from college, I would still have a choice about staying home or working. The thing is, the numbers are different for every situation depending on your spouse's income and the cost of childcare and transportation where you live. If you want to work during the years before your child goes to school and daddy isn't staying home, figure out how much you will need to make and get the necessary experience before having babies. If you plan to freelance once baby is born, realize that you will be taxed about 15% for social security in addition to income tax. The numbers... review them.

I knew that kids get sick, but I didn't know that they might get one cold after another, after another. Maybe once per month. Maybe twice per month. Maybe with another infection on top of it. You won't be able to send them to daycare or a sitter during these times. Someone will have to be home with them.

I knew kids liked to read books. What I didn't know is that they want the same stories over and over and over, day after day, week after week. They do this with toys too. Adult brains crave variation. Children's brains crave repetition. You will spend a lot of time trying to negotiate an acceptable middle path here.

I knew that toddlers threw tantrums, what I didn't realize is that you will have entire days and weeks consisting of one long tantrum... or maybe it's a lot of little tantrums with interspersed whining. Toddlers can lose it any time, any where, and you can't reason with them or even bribe them when their little brains are on emotional overload.

I knew that kids had to learn to follow directions, but I didn't realize what it really meant to have a little person with their own will that constantly contradicts yours. Constantly.

I was told that breastfeeding was hard. That it was painful. That it wasn't always instinctual. That it was easier the second time around. No one told me that I would be bored out of my mind for months as I spent days sitting on a couch nursing a newborn. No one told me that it would come naturally with my first baby and be difficult with my second. No one told me just how amazing lactation specialists are. That they really understand how babies learn, and that you should make meeting them a priority before you leave the hospital.  

I was told that my body would never be the same after having a baby, but nobody ever told me that, for the first time, I would really love my body. No one told me that I would feel so powerful and amazed by my body's ability to birth, carry and care for a child. 

I was told that the two's are terrible. What they didn't tell me is that they are also delightful, hilarious, a roller-coaster of emotion, and always full of surprises.  

I was told that I would be more exhausted than I had ever been. I was surprised to find out they were wrong. College was more exhausting. Depression and anxiety were more exhausting. With a new baby, I had an overpowering feeling of purpose that made the sleep deprivation bearable. 

I was told that I would love my babies more than I'd ever loved anything. More than my independence. More than life. They were right. I just couldn't have imagined it without experiencing it myself.

Also, no one told me how much fun my husband would have with Photoshop.

Baby's Got Rhythm: Developing Your Infant's Sense of Beat

  image by  makelessnoise 

The mother-baby connection involves rhythm in so many ways. We start with hearing our mother's heart beat in utero, followed by an instinct for rhythmic sucking, and continuing in all the ways a mother comforts her child: bouncing, rocking, patting, swinging, dancing, etc. In their first few months, babies develop regular breathing, a sense for the rhythm of speech, and soon follow with coordinating motion to a beat when music is played. By the time my boys were four months old, they kicked one leg in a steady pulse to propel their bouncer. Doorway jumpers provided rhythmic play for my oldest, and the instinct to move to music seems inherent in every toddler I know.

How is it possible then, that something so innate seems lost in older children and adults? In most cases, I don't think this rhythmic sense is lost, but that it lacks internalization of the beat in a way that coordinates with movement. Some researchers believe the neural pathways for learning music are set within the first two years of life. As parents and teachers we can strengthen these pathways in a variety of ways.  Here are some guidelines and activities to help you develop your child's sense of rhythm through the first 12-18 months.

Rhythmic Comfort. Comfort your baby in all the ways I mentioned before: bouncing, rocking, patting, swinging, and dancing with your baby. You will be doing this anyway, so add "practiced developing baby's sense of rhythm" to your done list each day. It's always nice to have extra things on that list.

Bouncing, Tapping, and Clapping Rhymes. Bouncing rhymes are great for developing rhythm and language. Before baby has good head control, carefully bounce her laying across your lap, or on her back with your arms supporting her head. When she is 3-4 months old and has good head control, she can sit up on your lap. You may be familiar with some bouncing rhymes. Here is one of my favorites from childhood:

Trot little horsey
Trot to town
Trot little horsey
Don't fall down.

There are a million variations on this, and they are fun for babies starting around four months old. They can sit up in your lap to bounce and drop down between your knees on the last line. Sometimes I delay the drop when I know they are expecting it just to get a bigger laugh.  Here's another one I remember:

To market, to market
To buy a fat pig
Home again, home again
Jiggety-jig.

To market, to market
To buy a fat hog
Home again, home again
Jiggety-jog.

Dr. John Feierabend, a leading expert in children's music and movement development, collected rhymes like these through interviews. He found that 100 years ago families had a vast repertoire of rhymes and games meant to be played with a baby on your lap. Most of these have been lost over time, and our generation remembers only a few. His fascinating curriculum based on this discovery can be read about here. I highly recommend the read.

image by  Carla216 

 

So, what are the rhymes that have survived? How about "This Little Piggy Went to Market"? Or "Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man"? Dr. Feierabend discusses and gives examples of more rhymes meant for wiggling fingers and toes, tapping & clapping, and tickling the baby in this sampler of his full collection. Here is another great pdf collection from a Pierce County Library System. It includes rhymes in English, Spanish, Russian, and Korean. Some of the lap games from this article at Today's Parent were familiar to me also.

Sing to your baby. Sing simple songs. Sing songs you love. Sing lullabies. Sing even if you think you can't sing. Baby doesn't know the difference, but he needs needs to know that rhythm can be kept in the voice and in the body. As you sing, keep the rhythm as you sway, dance, or pat your little one.

Listen to music. A variety of rhythms is best. Dance while you listen. Dance with baby while you listen. Infants and toddlers can move more accurately to a quick beat than a slow one, so consider keeping it uptempo unless it's bedtime or naptime.

Play or sing to their beat. When baby is doing something rhythmic like bouncing himself in a chair or jumping in a doorway, sing or play a song (or chant a rhyme) to the beat they have set. If they stop moving, stop what you are doing until they continue. You could also do this while the baby is in a swing with a beat you set yourself.

As you do these activities with your baby, enjoy them! You'll have happy memories, and your child will develop not only a sense of rhythm, but language skills, and a stronger parent-child bond.

---
Do you have a favorite lap rhyme from childhood? Have more ideas on connecting babies with rhythm? I'd love to read them in the comments!

If you're interested in the science behind babies' perception of rhythm.  Here are some links:

Newborn infants detect the beat in music - Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America

Pregnancy and Baby summary of the research

USA Today summary of the research


 

Outer Monologues

People always talk about inner monologues, but I'm convinced toddlers have outer monologues.

This morning my two-year-old wanted to go outside.  He was looking for his shoes.

 
As he ran around searching, I could hear him saying something like,
"Hurry up!
Not go fast enough!
Take too long!"
As you might guess, these words were uttered with a pretty bossy authoritative tone. Um... I wonder where he got that.

Hearing my son give this little self-lecture, made me cringe and examine my own lectures.  Anyone who has a toddler knows it's impossible to live life at their pace.  They're quick to do the dangerous and destructive, and slow to follow directions. I can't regret trying to hurry him along sometimes, but hearing him repeat my words made me think a lot about the way I talk to him and consequently, how he talks to himself.

I started thinking about the influences on my own internal voice. I'm pretty sure my mother is my cautious shoulder angel, while the voice that encourages my own drumbeat is the amalgamation of my father and Disney princesses. (I'm sure he'd be thrilled to know he's being grouped with such wise characters:) Then there is my husband, my brothers, self-help books and goals I have set to purposefully change the ways I think. Teachers, authors, and religious/spiritual practices have had a major influence as well, and I do believe that our thoughts are often placed by God when we are looking for direction. I'm gonna go ahead and give hormones and amount of sleep a good chunk of credit here too.

Obviously, when it comes to our children, we can't influence all of these things but we can lay a foundation for healthy inner narrative. Here are some ideas and goals I came up with.

1. Watch your criticism to compliment ratio. I heard somewhere that it takes seven compliments for a person to recover from the negative feelings left by a single criticism.  Harvard Business Review puts the number at 5.6 here, at least for adults in business leadership teams.

2. Model problem solving out loud.  Often times the first thing we do when we've caught our own  mistake is to roll our eyes and berate ourselves.  Instead, cue little ears in by talking yourself through your thoughts. "Oh no, Mommy left the tickets to the movie at home. Do we have time to run back and get them?  Maybe if I call daddy he can bring them by on the way to his meeting.  I think I'll call him to see if he's still home.  Then I'll know the best thing to do."  Notice there is no mention of how the mommy is ALWAYS leaving things behind or losing things. She's not forgetful or stupid. She's capable. She can solve problems. Since she can solve problems, her kids can too.

3. Speak positively of other people. Especially yourself and his/her other parent. Your children know where they came from, and if daddy is stupid, they will think they must be too. When you're in front of the mirror, don't talk about how you're too big in all the wrong places and too small everywhere else. You're their mom and you just look like a mom to them. They are less likely to empathize with you, and more likely to learn how to criticize themselves.

4. Never tell embarrassing stories about your child while they are present.  Little kids can be especially sensitive to this, and with their limited experience, they may not realize that their mistakes are cute, just that they were wrong.

5. Teach through questions more than commands. No one likes to be told what they should do, even if the one doing the telling is ourselves. Instead of explaining to a child what they should have done, ask what they think they could have done instead. They will usually come to a better solution either by themselves or with minimal prompting.

image by  mind on fire

6. Encourage good books and movies.  Books and movies let us into the thoughts of others. Characters can provide good or bad models for children. Parents can help by knowing the content of books and movies and by discussing the narrative of the author or the inner narrative of the characters.

7. Encourage journaling.  Reading our own thoughts gives us a chance to self-regulate. When I reread some of my journals as a kid, I realized just how embarrassingly dramatic I felt about certain situations. I like to think I made the appropriate adjustments.

8. Teach positive conflict resolution among siblings.  Siblings are often the people your children interact with most other than you. Bullying within families can do a lot of damage. I have very little experience as a referee for sibling disputes, but when my boys are older, I am going to do everything I can to teach positive communication skills.  When children feel they aren't being heard, they are more likely to dwell on negative interactions.

I'm sure there are a million more things that could be added to this list. What would you add? I think the overall idea is that we keep our interactions positive and our criticism limited and constructive. In fact, the best questions to ask before we criticize may be:

Is it necessary? 
Is it helpful?

As my son gets older, I will have fewer opportunities to direct his inner voice.  Until then, I'm going to seize those chances while using his outer monologue as my guide.

Right now he is in the other room alone playing with his blocks.  I just heard him exclaim, "Good job, little buddy!"

I think he's going to be ok.

Gummy the One Year Old

It's been a busy month of birthdays at our place.  Gummy had his first birthday, and Chris celebrated his 33rd. Mine is coming up, and while I'm not there yet, I feel like I might as well be thirty.  Twenty-seven is that weird year between mid and late twenties.  If I was rounding, I'd be thirty.

But no one wants to hear about people who've already celebrated birthdays tens of times.

So we will focus on he who celebrated his first.

Our little Gummy.

I can't believe he used to be like this.

He was so perfect, and little, and needed our constant comfort and care.  We fell for him immediately.  It really was like magic.  Not always easy, but always happy and purpose-filled.

And here he is now... toothed, walking, an experienced toilet paper unroller...

He's a child with a will who refuses to get into carseats, strollers, and high chairs without a fight.

He's also happy and affectionate.  He still cuddles and gives his momma lots of kisses.

He loves to play with his dad.  Dad has all the fun games like spinning in the office chair, playing peek-a-boo from behind the futon, and improvising animal roars. 

He eats and eats and eats.  He has never refused food.  Except for beans.  He likes to throw them on the floor and watch them bounce.

He is learning impulse control.  He can go a few minutes looking into the toilet without actually touching it. This is probably because of the scary alarm noise I make when he does touch it.  I'm not sure why I do this.  I think maybe my dad used to do it to me to keep me from touching dangerous things.  Anyway, I hope I'm not scarring him because it seems to be effective so far.

Gummy loves to play the piano and the guitar.  He no longer wants to play these instruments with me.  He now wants to be the only one playing them.

He loves to be outside and look out windows.  He loves to run in open spaces.

He has finally given up fit throwing every time I put him down to sleep.  He has been a good little sleeper lately.

Oh, I almost forgot.  He is obsessed with wheels.  He finds them everywhere: the racks on our dishwasher, the suitcases in our closet, dollies at the grocery store, wheelchairs at church.  He tried to chase a car once.

Which reminds me...  he can be a lot like a puppy.  He begs, chases cars, and walks around with socks and shoes in his mouth.  Fortunately, since he's graduated to bipedalism, he's seeming much more human.  That's a good thing because I'm not much of a dog person.

All kidding aside, it's a bittersweet time.  I love watching my son grow and learn, but I can't stand that I will never have him as a baby again.  This is it.  I will never again in all of eternity have the experience of being a brand new mother.  Despite my best efforts to hold on to and cherish each moment, time continues.

So bitter.  So sweet.